Off a Cliff

Is this what I have to look forward to in the rest of my forties?

Welcome to Ellerie’s Explorations, a new Give Them Romance column. I’m the leading lady of Kayla Love’s fourth book from the “Bliss Bay Romance” series, Ellerie, a sultry romance novel debuting later this year. Born and raised in Maryland with stints in Philadelphia, New York, San Francisco, and Mexico City, I can’t wait for you to follow along on my journey to finding lasting love all while navigating life in my 40s. In the meantime, enjoy my column where I will share more of my musings! Below is my first post, Off a Cliff.

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I clicked on the overhead light as the main cabin lights went dim. I was cozy and settled in for the remaining 3 hours of the flight with my Woodford Reserve in hand when I opened up the copy of All Fours by Miranda July that Kendall had sent with me. 

“I think you’ll really enjoy it!” she’d said. “A real honest and refreshing take on being mid 40s.” 

It took all my strength to hold my tongue and not burst out, “I’m still in my early 40s!” to her. Sensitive much?  

The book was…different. Intriguing. The character’s life being so different from my own. But I was able to find some commonality as she shared about her female friendships and a general sense of ennui with her 40 something life. As I flipped the page, I saw a graphic that depicted how a woman’s hormones change somewhere and sometime in her 40s. It looked like, and as the character alluded to, falling right off a cliff. 

All Fours by Miranda July available at Bookshop.org

And in that moment, hot tears pricked at my eyes. 

What the…why the hell was I crying…now? Was it the hormones? Was it the realization that my child bearing years were quickly evaporating in front of me? Was my body going to betray me and render me invisible and undesirable before I found a worthy partner and I had no real prospect in sight? I was, yet again, starting over, fresh off a break up (and a subsequent rebound that was only temporarily satisfying) and returning to a life of uncertainty. Meanwhile, my baby brother was getting married. It was gut wrenching. I could only imagine the commentary that awaited me at all of these functions…

I brushed away the tears before they fell and stained my face. I was grateful the lights were dimmed and the man in the aisle seat had nodded off. I sighed. Maybe it was actually time to unthaw those eggs I’d put on ice so many years ago…

I opened the Reminders app on my phone and typed “Dr. appt” so I wouldn’t forget to schedule an appointment with the gynecologist now that I was headed back to the states. Doing something felt like a step toward unraveling the jumbled ball of emotions inside me. 

I couldn’t keep reading. And I wouldn’t allow my thoughts to drift back to my circumstances. I needed to do something different to pass the time. Maybe I’d allow myself the treat of mindless scrolling. I clicked a few buttons to purchase wifi for my flight. 

Was this phone reading my mind? After scrolling through funny memes, places to eat in various cities, and random posts of friends, I came across a post that stopped me in my tracks. 

I paused to consider this idea. Maybe things weren’t upside down. Maybe the path just was winding in a new way toward something more meant for me. Maybe. 

I don’t know that I’m quite ready for my next chapter yet, but maybe I can just believe in my ability to be patient, trust the process, and trust myself. 

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Bliss Bay Romance Series

Catch up with the Bliss Bay crew before Ellerie’s debut! The Bliss Bay Romance Series follows the romantic lives of a set of friends whose paths intersect through a fictional beach town outside of New York City called Bliss Bay. There, the salty air and steamy nights create the conditions for everything from finding the perfect fake relationship to getting over an ex. Whether in Bliss Bay, the city, or on their travels, these characters support each other on their quest to find love. This series highlights the diverse stories of Black characters living and loving.

Brandy, Danielle, and Gabby are available for purchase on Amazon.