How to Dip Out of A Family Event for a Booty Call
How to Dip Out of A Family Event for a Booty Call
Pernil, coquito, and a booty call? Here's how to have them all!
Hey! I’m Candi, and welcome to Candi Cane Corner where I give you the best relationship advice. Although I’m now engaged to my amazing, sexy AF fiancé, Joel, my love life has been pretty messy, so I’ve learned a lesson or two (or 1000!). Today’s lesson is how to dip in (and out) of a family event for a booty call. You’re welcome in advance!
One last thing! This post has affiliate links where I earn a commission from Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. ‘Cause the rent in Washington Heights is too damn high!
How to Dip Out of A Family Event for a Booty Call
There’s nothing that I love more than mingling with a cocktail in hand, especially at a private party. I can sip my go-to cocktail, a Cuba Libre (that’s just fancy talk for a rum and Coke) while getting up close and personal with the hotties in attendance.
What if you’re on a mission to meet “the one” (or, in my case, “the one for the night,” aka a booty call) and your options are…lackluster?
I was in those very shoes at my best friend, Yo’s, Thanksgiving fiesta. Aside from her hot twin brother, who is obviously off limits, the dudes at her private, catered affair were as pitiful an option as the OG Dominican guys that play Dominos every Sunday on 181st Street. If I hear another piropo (translation: catcall) when walking past them in between a “Capicu, coño!” I will pull my hair out. And my curly locks are too pretty to mess with.
Back to the booty call. That’s just what I needed at Yo’s annual Thanksgiving party. It had been a minute since I’d gotten some and I had an itch I needed to scratch down there. I’m not ashamed to say my cuca needs some TLC on the regular. She gets me in trouble often, but a girl has needs, dammit! And my needs were indeed met that very night thanks to a call from Pete. While I swigged on my Cuba Libre and whined my waist to Don Miguelo’s 7 Locas, Rihanna’s Birthday Cake blasted through my phone. That’s Pete’s special ringtone since we met at Vivere, my favorite local lounge, on my born day.
“Come over,” his text read. I managed to stifle a gleeful squeal and kept dancing while I typed, “Be right there!”
Minutes later, I slickly dashed out of Yo’s party and was on all fours, moaning from ecstasy as Pete penetrated me from behind and played with my clitoris. Just thinking about it now makes my cuca throb all over again!
So if you feel me and just need to get satisfied, a booty call might be the answer to your cuca’s prayers. (I know. I should leave Papa Dios out of this. Sorry!) Here is how to dip out of (and back into) a family event for a booty call from someone who knows.
How to Dip Out of A Family Event for a Booty Call
Eat something. You don’t want to be stuffed like a turkey when doing the deed, but you should eat something. That way you won’t deal with relatives pushing food down your throat if you leave without nibbling on the appetizers.
Be dressed to impress, not to bang. That way your relatives won’t question if you’re turning tricks, or if you’re trying to steal someone’s man. As they say in my culture, “Los primos se espriman.” As in, you can get with a distant cousin. Gross, I know! I don’t make the rules. Although I do have a fine cousin that I kissed once. What can I say? I was a desperate, pubescent 15-year-old!
Back to dressing sexy. As a “just in case you get an unexpected booty call” trick, keep a pair of sexy clothes inside your purse or in your car. Or you can meet your booty call with only sexy lingerie on. Just throw a trench coat over yourself!
Buy a trench coat. That’s if you’re trying to be extra sexy. This one from Amazon (paid link) is perfect and affordable! Your girl is a receptionist at a real estate office/aspiring singer; cheap is my love language.
Recruit a good friend. Let your BFF know you have a booty call waiting. Ask them to help you escape the event with a distraction. She can fall on the floor as if she’s tripped! He can tell a joke that will have everyone cracking up for hours! They can cry dramatically so everyone rushes to comfort them! Your good friend will win an Academy Award and you will be in the clear to get some booty.
Make up an excuse. Relatives tend to be all up in the business and will judge your booty call stories. So use what’s at your disposal. Have a cat? Oops! You forgot to change the kitty litter. Dog? The dog sitter texted you that your paw friend is ripping your place to shreds. No pets? A friend needs you STAT! She’s heartbroken, too drunk to be alone, stubbed her toe, and can’t walk…something! Just keep it simple. The more details you give, the more questions they’ll ask.
Dip back into the party - if you dare. You got some booty, but are not sleeping over. Now you have to “walk of shame” it back to your family party before they realize you’ve gone. Text your friend and ask her to distract your family with the following:
A merengue, bachata, or salsa song that they all love. Have her play the song when you’re right outside the door and then jump right to the dance floor.
A family story that is a tear-jerker. No family can resist a sob story, especially not a Latinx family. Have your friend mention a relative who passed away (RIP) or a miraculous event that they thank Papa Dios for. Your friend will text you when the tears start rolling. You’ll roll right in with a napkin in hand.
Shots! If your relatives are drunk, they won’t notice you leaving or coming back.
A baseball game. This works during baseball season. All the men will crowd around the TV and the women will scurry into the kitchen to avoid the game. Have your friend text you to come in when there’s a home run.
Food, food, food! Have your friend get everyone to rally around food. Cut a cake. Break out more pernil. Their mouths will be too stuffed to wonder and ask where you’ve been when you saunter in.
See? It’s not too hard to dip out (and in) from a family event for a booty call. If you follow my guide, you’ll be satisfied and protected from prying questions.
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